Overcoming fears and worries…
I lay awake in bed last night as my mind rambled over everything happening these days at Saint James and my place in those happenings. As pastor part of my work is really in helping to envision what it is God may be calling us toward and speaking that reality among us. Sometimes after the leadership tests what I have to say, we discover that it may not be the direction we are called to pursue. Other times it is clear to others we need to move that way as well. Last night I lay awake thinking about the new Saint James-Kingstowne site to be launched later this autumn (October) and the renovation that is moving forward at Saint James-Alexandria. How will these various plans God has shown us come to be? It is in moments like those, laying awake with no one to test my thoughts on but God in prayer that I struggle. I second-guess and over-analyze and re-hash decisions already made. I start to get that feeling in my stomach- did I really hear what God was saying? Do I have the strength and leadership skills to carry us forward? What about the unknown? What about the faith we talk about, often that I TALK ABOUT, every week?
It feels like the storms Erika talked about this past weekend in Mark, the disciples tossed on the winds. What would it take in moments like that to envision Jesus walking to me on the waters, in the midst of the storm when I am feeling overwhelmed? The easy answer is faith. If you’re reading this, you knew the answer before I even wrote it down but knowing the answer and living the answer are two different things. Can I simply “decide” to have faith and it will all work out? The answer is not as simple then, at least not for me. Faith has been a journey that brought me to this place, a journey that will carry me forward. It is that journey and stories of God’s work in my life that I remember in times like last night, at least I try to remember them then. After that, I work to manage one task at a time (that is my speed as a non-multi-tasker) and take care of the most pressing ones, the ones within my power to control (sometimes that feels like none but is really more than that). And I rely on the knowledge that God blessed me with teams of folks who handle the challenges with me so I am not alone.
I am going to keep working on trust…
James, thank you for sharing. I think we all feel like we are spinning our wheels (to borrow a previous blog title from you) and getting nowhere a fair portion of our lives. I am no stranger to that overwhelming sense and frustration. The funny thing is that somehow we end up getting there. Even when our wheels are spinning, His are moving. One of my favorite phrases sounds like it comes from a slacker procrastinator but really it comes out of a heart of motivation, experience, and faith: “It always gets done.” You of all people know that I am not perfect or always strong, but God has affirmed me of this and I know I am meant to share. Believe me, if I am going to be honest with myself, I am also scared about how everything is going to come together with what feels like two humongous transitions at Saint James. But then I see how much He has already brought together that we never would have imagined, and I just have to hang onto that. I pray that we can both look to others, to the wonderful people who are by our side at Saint James and elsewhere, and find strength and partners in them. It’s time to get creative and wise and fast. Was that last line for me or for you? In any case, I am glad we are blogging our thoughts because this will definitely be a time I want to remember. Prayers for peace, Erika